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3/6 AP English Language Rhetorical Analysis Essay Example #3

This is a real rhetorical analysis essay written by an AP student (personal details removed) and scored 3/6 by our AI grader — one of many AP English Language essay examples in our library.

The Prompt

write a rhetorical analysis on this passage

The Passage

In the summer of 1993 I noticed that my English flash card lessons were starting to pick up, along with talk that my departure date to Canada was drawing Line even nearer. 5 I didn’t like that one bit. My whole family—my yéye, na˘inai, gu¯gu, gu ¯fu ¯,1 even my cousin JingJing—spoke of this “Canada” as if it were some sort of idyllic paradise, a place of abundant snacks and endless affection. 10 “You can eat whatever you want,” Na˘inai would say, as if I didn’t already have pretty regular access to all of my favorites on Héxìnglù.2 “You will finally reunite with your parents,” my gu¯gu added reassuringly, as if I didn’t already have 15 five amazing people around me who loved me. Looking back, it felt kind of cult-y, like gospel from the Church of Canadology that I was supposed to just accept. I played along, even though I was still rough on the exact terms of this proposition. Sure, I 20 welcomed the thought of meeting more members of my family . . . but I had no idea that said new family members would come at the cost of everyone that I knew and loved. So, with about as much agency as any 25 four-year-old possessed, I kept on, ever the obedient child, dutifully memorizing my English flash cards.  (píngguo)—Apple.  (ma¯o)—Cat.  30 35 40 45 50 (xia¯ngjia¯o)—Banana.  (bàbama¯ma) —Parents, whom I would meet in the winter. An air of excitement permeated our household in the days leading up to my father’s arrival in late December. Word had come to us that Bàba3 would fly over to pick me up and escort me back to Canada, while Ma¯ma would meet us at the airport once we landed in Toronto. If my grandparents were dreading letting me go (they were), they went to great lengths not to show it. We made a big WELCOME BACK sign in giant letters and hung it on our door. I wore my nicest clothes on the day, an outfit of absolute fire consisting of a collared rugby shirt with blue and purple stripes, a pair of brown overalls with yellow polka dots and a vest that looked like a burlap sack. That’s right, I was pattern clashing way before it was cool. My gu¯gu and gu ¯fu ¯ came over and we prepared a feast that filled our little round table: white mushrooms with sliced pork, large tail-on shrimp, bean curd, soy-sauce ribs and Russian-style red sausage—my father’s favorite, apparently. The food is starting to get cold when we hear a little knock on our door. I perk up anxiously as my yéye answers, opening the door to reveal a scrawny, square-faced man with bowl-cut hair wearing a big cozy sweater along with the bleary gaze of exhaustion © 2024 College Board. Visit College Board on the web: collegeboard.org. 11 GO ON TO THE NEXT PAGE. AP® English Language and Composition 2024 Free-Response Questions 55 60 65 70 75 that comes after an eighteen-hour train ride from Beijing. This man who resembles an Asian Eric Forman from That ’70s Show is my bàba, the man who I had waited my entire four-and-a-half-year life to reunite with. This is the man who is going to bring me to the promised land of Canada. “Máomao!4 It’s me!” I freeze. I had imagined this moment in my head many times, as I’m sure my father had. I wanted to run to him, embracing him enthusiastically and without any reservations, as any child would run to their own father—but I just . . . can’t. Everything about this man is foreign to me, from his voice to his smell. I had only seen his face in photographs, only heard recordings of his disembodied voice. He feels almost like a celebrity, someone I recognize from somewhere, but who is himself unknown and unknowable. I scurry to my na˘inai’s side nervously. I’m sure my 80 85 father was a little disappointed, but he respected my space, taking only a small step toward me. “Do you know who I am?” I ponder this for a moment. “You . . . you are Zhenning Liu.”5 Everyone around me bursts out laughing. The ice is broken, and I laugh along, even though I don’t get the joke. “Zhenning Liu” is exactly who this man is to me; not “Dad,” not “Father,” not “Bàba” . . . but a stranger, an acquaintance at best. Slowly, over the next few days, it dawns on me that this stranger is going to take me away from my family, my home and everything that I have ever known. 1 grandfather, grandmother, aunt, uncle 2 Hexing Street 3 Father 4 Chinese nickname for a small child 5 the father’s full name

The Essay

Liu conveys that moving to a new country means leaving behind everything familiar. He explains how he wants to reunite with his father but realizes that his father is a stranger to him, showing the emotional difficulty of leaving his family behind. He also explains the changes happening around him, like learning a new language which to him feels unfair because he has to leave what he’s grown up with for something so unfamiliar and preparing to move to Canada, showing how much this is affecting him negatively and how much his life is changing “I wanted to run to him… but I just can’t.” Liu says this towards the end of the passage when he finally sees his father in person. He knows that he should be embracing his father with open arms, but to him, this man is merely a stranger, nothing more. He can’t fathom how a man he’s only ever seen pictures of and has only ever heard his voice, has become reality. “He feels almost like a celebrity, someone I recognize from somewhere, but who is himself unknown and unknowable.” He says that his father is unknowable because he doesn’t want to get to know him. He doesn’t want to have to learn a whole new lifestyle just to be with people he doesn’t care for. The author includes this information because he wants to make the author feel sympathetic for him. Liu wants them to understand that meeting someone that is supposed to be a big part of your life can be so difficult when you’ve never experienced it. He also wants his readers to understand how much pressure is on him to say the right thing and act a certain way to his father, when it's not in his nature. Liu feels as if he is never gonna be able to replace his loving family with this stranger. Liu’s biggest concern to moving to Canada, is having to leave behind the people he's known all his life. His father is the one he was waiting for, setting the table for, cooking food for, and even making a sign for, and also somehow the person he doesn’t want to get taken away with. He feels that its unfair to him to just have to pack up and leave. He would rather stay in China with his family even if it meant never having to see his parents. “It dawns on me that this stranger is going to take me away from my family, my home, and everything I’ve ever known.” This line emphasizes his point that he doesn’t want to leave behind his everything for nobodies he could care less about. Specifically, when he says “everything I’ve ever known,” because it shows that the people he’s being forced to leave are his life, his idols, his people. He wants the readers to feel his pain and to feel how at the time this choice felt very unfair. “As if I didn’t already have five amazing people around who loved me.” Liu can’t imagine how these two strangers would ever compare to the people he’s grown up around. Lastly, Liu explains that for him to have this move he must learn a foreign language, having to memorize/learn words like “apple”, “cat”, and “banana.” This logically shows that Liu is preparing for a completely different environment and lifestyle. It helps the reader understand that moving to a different country involves learning words like “parents” that he’s going to have to call the people who are taking him away, not just how emotional it could be. He also talks about his father traveling from Canada to China to pick him up and then taking him back to Canada. By giving the reader actual steps of the move, Liu makes the situation easier to process and shows how he is being ripped away from his familiar life, to one he’s not ready to start.

Score Breakdown

Thesis (1/1)

Evidence & Commentary (2/4)

Sophistication (0/1)

What This Essay Gets Right

The opening line, "Liu conveys that moving to a new country means leaving behind everything familiar," earns the thesis point because it makes a claim about what the passage conveys, beyond a summary of what happens in it. The writer then extends that claim past the father reunion into the language-learning details, so the thesis covers more than one strand of the passage. That range lets the claim hold up as an argument about the whole piece, where a narrower thesis would only cover a single scene. The essay also pulls real, specific quotes. "I wanted to run to him… but I just can't," "He feels almost like a celebrity, someone I recognize from somewhere, but who is himself unknown and unknowable," and "It dawns on me that this stranger is going to take me away from my family, my home, and everything I've ever known" are all well chosen. The writer clearly understands what Liu is feeling and picks lines that carry emotional weight. The flash-card paragraph is the closest the essay gets to analysis, since it names the specific words "apple," "cat," and "banana" and connects them to preparing for a different environment. That instinct to point at concrete details is the right one, even if the follow-through stops short.

What Went Wrong (And How to Avoid It)

The commentary mostly tells the reader what Liu does or what the audience should feel without showing how the language produces that effect. In the father paragraph, after quoting "unknown and unknowable," the essay says the father is unknowable because Liu doesn't want to know him, which asserts a reason the passage never gives. Instead, explain how the pairing of "unknown and unknowable" frames the father as a permanent stranger and makes the reader feel the gap Liu can't close. The same move is needed in the flash-card paragraph: "This logically shows that Liu is preparing for a completely different environment" skips the reasoning. Show how simple nouns like "apple," "cat," and "banana" signal a child being drilled for a new world, and why those particular words make the move feel like a loss. One wording slip to fix: "he wants to make the author feel sympathetic" should say the reader, not the author. The paragraphs also run parallel, each restating that the move is hard, so the essay never builds a cumulative argument.

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